Letter 6: Vallanka to Govi

(Letterhead has the Yak of Truth front-and-center, and reads, "House Azbetkas/Arctic, Sweet Arctic")

"Govi--

I write dis letter outside today. Not dot de veather iz all dot great, but it get me out of de Haus. Und dot's important because de Haus get zo excited und upset about de pretty pictures hyu sent...und de Haus manage to lock me in der kloset! Me! At my age!

Damned schtupid Haus! It's not like I draw dem pictures! I not even know vhere dey are, now. Haus try to make me tink dot it's very moral und offended. But I knows better. It's probably keeping de pictures to itself...if it could, it vould probably draw little hearts on dem.

Schtupid Haus.

So, at least until it calms down a little, I do my correspondence outzide. Zo, I apologize dot dis letter is zo late...but I could not write it vhen I vas in de dark of de kloset, of course.

Schtupid Haus. Vat it tink it trying to prove, anyvay? Dot it has some kind of moral high ground? Or just reminding me dot it's bigger den me?

Less bigger den me NOW, of course...but schtill.

Anyvays, I am very excited to meet de other Jagers und he a goot time at de Gatherink. I tink I vill hev my claws painted! Ooh! I'm not sure vhat else to do! It has been zo many years since I had de inclination to pretty myself up! Dis could be zo much fun! Mebbe I put a bow in my hair...

Now dot I think about it...I don't tink I ever mention vhy I vas dressed like a man ven ve met. Mebbe hyu never vondered...after all, hyu all are both vimmin und soldiers... But in my country, there is no vay dot vould ever be allowed. Of course, now dot I am Jager, no vun vill ever tell me how to dress!

Except hyu. Because I ask.

Anyvay...it is very disgraceful in my country for a family to be vithout a male head of de family und my father und brother both died from some crazy experiment involving borscht. In dis sort of case, it is a common practice to ask de oldest unmarried gurl to either get married immediately or to vow celibacy und live as a man for de rest of her life.

Vell, dot vas me. Und lemme tell hyu, dot vas vun easy damned decision!

As hyu may imagine, most gurls in dot situation do choose, instead, to get married."

(Letterhead for page two says "House Azbetkas/No Place Like Home")

"Fools.

True, is much more difficult to change your whole identity overnight. But in my culture, a gurl who chooses to uphold her family's dignity is very vell respected.

Dot's vhen I started smoking cigars.

Also, I could finally go to de city all by myself, instead of being cooped up in de damned Haus all vinter. Dot vas great! I vent to school und learned de craft of distillation! My hopes vere to to replicate de Azbetkas wodka machine at school und revolutionize distillation forever!

However, I proved not to be a Schpark, udn I never rebuild de original wodka machine. Dot's okay, though.

Anyvay, over de years, my other relations all began to die off, und family Azbetkas continued to lose male heirs...except me.

Zo, I had to return to de crazy Haus.

Vat hyu going to do, eh?

Zo, dot's vhy de Haus is zo bitter vith me. I chose my freedom instead of a family. I chose not to subject future Azbetkas to de Haus' unending torments, und changeable moral compass!

Und its thieving vays. Like vith de pictures.

Schtupid Haus. I liked dose pictures...very pretty, indeed! Definitely could give a gurl ideas! But, my Gott! Vhere did dere hats go? Dot vas quite scandalous!

Ah yes. It vill be good to get out of here for a bit und meet some other pipples.

Hyu ask about Baba Yaga. Hyu know, in dis crazy vorld, I tink it is quite possible dot she still lives around here...herding de mutant chikkens, mebbe.

Ja! De chikkens! Dey are back in full force, now! Schpring has schprung, indeed! Oh, hyu can see dem chasing each other for miles! I am not afraid, of course. In fact, is nice to have dem zo near because dey eats de damned mosquitoes!

Dose mosquitoes are de vorst part of de Schpring for sure...vell, until now, vhat mit de Kestle und all. Did dey really make newcomers do de Schpring cleaning?

Vait. Vait a minute.

Does dis have sometink to do mit Heidi? It occurs to me dot "Schpring cleaning in Kestle Heterodyne" might be Heidi's idea of a good time.

Seriously!"

(page three letterhead reads "House Azbetkas/Drink More Vodka!")

"Dot Heidi gurl is sometink else...uh, special. Ja. Dot's it. Ja. Anyvun dot can find a vay to make peanut butter explode und den make a pretty decent batch of cookies all in vun afternoon...vell, she gets my respect, anyvay.

But I'm definitely glad she's on our side.

Anyvay, de evening come soon, und den de mosquitoes get even vorse. Und den de chikkens go crazy und Gott knows I have enough yak to last me.

Vell.

Vell mebbe I try to catch a few mosquitoes. Hyu know, as a garnish. Dey is quite spicy. Annoying as all hell, but dey add an extra zing of fermented blood, und deadly poison.

Ja. I'll do dot. It keep me out of de Haus for a little vhile longer, too.

Schtupid Haus.

Can't help feeling a little bad for it, though. After all, I am its last family member... Ve are both de last of de Azbetkas... I guess I have not been very fair to de Haus. After all, it is pretty much stuck for eternity, no matter if dere is never another Azbetkas or anything. No vonder it feels insecure.

Poor Haus vould be empty forever.

Hmmm.

Ja.

Ja, dot vould teach de Haus to be so damned annoying. I bet it get zo lonely, it even velcome mice.

Heh.

Ja, dot teach it good.

Ja, I bet vhen ve all leave for de Festival, dot give de Haus a taste of de future, und den!

Und den mebbe it act more civil.

Und stop cheating vhen ve play Crazy 8s. Oh! Dot's a good vun! Hyu need a pack of cards und 8 shots of wodka. Each person playing guesses vhat de next card vill be. After 8 guesses, de first shot goes to de vinner und zo forth, until vun of de players is "crazy". Or passes out. But de Haus keeps insisting ve do it vun card at a time und I know it in handfuls. Schtupid Haus.

Anyvay. Ve see.

Okay, de mosquitoes are finally out. Gott, but I hate dese things.

But dey tasty. Spicy, yes!

Hokay. Zee hyu soon!

--Vallanka!"